i can't remember the past several days very well. every day is the repetitive go to work and come home, make dinner, eat, go to sleep. from what i can recall, i know i've been getting a bit fixated on the summer hikaru died. the anime came out recently, which made me a bit invested. i found a while ago that i could relate very well to the character 'hikaru', despite his troubles coming from a completely different source, my experience with having a dissociative disorder felt similar to the way he describes his own thoughts. not knowing which feelings are and aren't his, being a fake and using a body that isn't yours, it all resonated with me intensely. if you're familiar with the term "kin" or "kinning", i guess you could say thats the way i'm viewing this, but i'm pretty embarrassed to talk in depth about that right now, so maybe another time.

i'm not sure what i thought i'd do with these blog updates. i've never been very good with using my words, so they usually come out as a jumbled mess of running thoughts. i guess in the long run i'm more or less writing them for myself to read in the future. i'm not sure if anyone else reads them, but maybe when i'm living a different life a while from now i can look back on these. i know there hasn't been much site updating recently too, i think the 'me' that initially made the site isn't in front right now and i've been standing in. i'm not sure where he ran off to either, our communication isn't good and when one of my parts tries to write down notes for the other parts to respond to later, we never remember to. funny enough i don't even have blackout amnesia. i think my experience is more alike to "greyout amnesia". i don't know if thats because of my dissociation or my lifestyle or something else. maybe a bit of all. it is extremely frustrating to live this way though. if i have to hear another person say "didn't i tell you?" i think i'm going to rip my hair out. yes you definitely told me but i can't remember it at all!!!! its even worse when its around people who don't know those things about me, but it's not like i can tell them either.

today isn't horrible so far. it feels a little brighter. i've been trying not to feel repulsed by more things today. i hope everything is going to be okay. i'll maybe work more on my site today. i'll try to.

last night i had a really awful episode. i feel a bit better today. i dont want to get that way again though. i know its an inevitable part of my mental health but its really awful, i'm worried it will get so bad that i'll do something awful one day. i started focusing on helping my boyfriend instead of on my own thoughts, because if i kept thinking about my thoughts i would start to believe they were real. that seems to have helped. everything today feels more relaxed in the end. i worked today and so my body is really tired, but i still have to vacuum, mop, and do my laundry. people are saying nice things about my site and i'm really thankful that my effort means something. i guess it shouldnt matter if people see it or not. but i like meeting people and learning about them. i'll keep working on the site soon, i think i'll probably make a spot for my webneighbors next. maybe tonight won't be as bad as last night, and maybe tomorrow will be okay too.

today i have off work, i'm watching a family member's dogs while i keep working on my site. no matter what i do, it always feels like i'm missing something. i'm not exactly skilled with any of this stuff yet but i think i've got down the basics... i've also started medication again for the first time since i was 13, and i think it's helping. my mind is more clear and i actually have motivation to do things. since this is my first blog entry i don't really have much to say yet and i'm really using it as a filler, but i'll probably show some of the cool things i have in one of the entries. i am actually moving in with my boyfriend soon so i should probably get photos before i pack everything. for a while i'm not going to have anything but my computer and clothes. thats until i find a job and we find a new place. across the country too... i'm honestly super scared. but its another step to becoming independant. and i've saved up for this.